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• Rooney is one of the three best players in the world, Italian says
• I would not swap my job with Marcello Lippi, he adds

Fabio Capello has set the bold target of steering England to the semi-finals of the World Cup at the very least, thereby emulating the national team’s best performance at the tournament since the trophy was won in 1966.

The Italian has had to contend over the past month with injuries to key personnel and serious allegations over his players’ personal lives – one of them cost John Terry the captaincy – together with confirmation that the England team hotel had been bugged before last week’s friendly against Egypt. Yet those distractions have not doused his enthusiasm for a role he accepted a little over two years ago, with his basic target now to take the team beyond the quarter-finals, where Sven-Goran Eriksson twice came unstuck, in South Africa this summer.

“My job when I was manager of Milan, Juventus, Roma or Madrid was always to try and win and, for me, it’s the same now as England manager,” said Capello. “I am focused to find the best way and we are one of the best teams in the World Cup. We hope to arrive at the semi-finals, minimum, and then, after a lot of years, win the World Cup.

“We have a good team, good players and, at this moment, we think we can beat all of the teams because we can play at the same level of the best teams in the world. It is a surprise to see the attention on things off the pitch because, usually, my job has been to decide things on the pitch, so that is new. But being England manager is always a challenge. But the challenge for me is always important because, at my age, without a challenge, I’d just stay at home. I could go on holiday. I like the challenge. This will be one of the most important of my life.

“To manage England was one of my dreams and I’m really happy to have taken on the job. I would not swap my position with [the Italy coach] Marcello Lippi. I prefer to be England manager. I hope to play against Italy in the final but my shirt at that moment will be an England shirt.”

England have reached the semi-finals only once, in 1990, in the past 44 years, and Capello’s ambition is a concession that the Football Association and the supporters will be seeking evidence of real progress under a manager who signed a four-year contract worth around £26m.

A place in the last four at the summer’s finals would satisfy that with Capello admitting that Wayne Rooney – arguably the side’s one world-class player on present form – is key to achieving that much.

“Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo and Rooney are the three best players in the world at the moment,” said Capello, speaking at the Laureus Sports Awards in Abu Dhabi. “Their styles are completely different. One is fast, one has lots of imagination. Rooney is more strong. He runs a lot and helps everyone, and this year he has scored many goals. I think he is one of the best, but those three are really young and they are the best players for the future. I hope he will be in the same form during the World Cup and that he will be fit and not injured because he is one of the most important players.

“Of those who are injured at the moment, I am happy because they are injured now rather than when the World Cup starts. Wes Brown, Rio Ferdinand and Ashley Cole are out but the players who played against Egypt played very well and we have no big problem with defenders.”

Ferdinand has returned to the Manchester United line-up since the win against Egypt, and Brown is expected to be absent for up to six weeks with a metatarsal injury. Cole continues to make good progress in rehabilitation in the south of France after breaking an ankle during Chelsea’s 2-1 defeat at Everton, with the club confident he will return to action before the end of the campaign.

That will grant the first-choice left-back time to prove his fitness ahead of the naming of Capello’s 30-man provisional squad for the finals, on 16 May.

England have two fixtures, against Mexico at Wembley and Japan in Graz, Austria, later that month before flying to South Africa on 2 June.

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• Manchester United manager recalls similar case at Old Trafford
• ‘I would be concerned about it. You have to be’

Sir Alex Ferguson has admitted news that the England squad’s hotel was bugged last week is a concern.

Although the precise details have not been revealed, it is thought the meeting room at their Watford hotel base for the friendly with Egypt were bugged ahead of the 3‑1 win for Fabio Capello’s team.

Ferguson and Manchester United were at the centre of a similar controversy in 2005, when listening devices were found in the home dressing room at Old Trafford after an encounter with Chelsea.

“It happened to us once before,” the Scot said. “I would be concerned about it. You have to be. Preparation involves discretion and secrecy. I haven’t revealed one bit of my tactics ahead of the [Milan] match tomorrow. I haven’t been asked. And do you know why? Because I wouldn’t tell anyone. Why should I tell anyone?

“Capello may have been discussing some important issues about his team. All of a sudden someone else has got it. It is a concern.”

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• John Terry: ‘I am pleased with my form this year’
• Chelsea captain maintains scandals have not affected him

John Terry has defended his performances in the wake of the scandal that has engulfed him over the past month.

Many have been critical of the form of the Chelsea captain, who was stripped of the England captaincy following tabloid revelations surrounding him and the former partner of Wayne Bridge.

The pressure on Terry increased after Chelsea lost 2-1 to Everton, but Terry insists that, aside from that game, his form is holding up. He told The People: “There are not many players who come out publicly and hold their hands up like I did after the Everton game.

“I also had an air-kick at Wolves but, apart from that, I am pleased with my form this year.

“In the first half of the season I was in really good form but after a couple of bad results, and what has gone on in recent weeks, the spotlight has been on me. But I feel as though I am playing well.”

Terry was content with his performance in England’s 3-1 win against Egypt in the friendly at Wembley last Wednesday, his first performance for the national team since losing the England captaincy, and felt he continued to play a leadership role.

“I played well against Egypt,” he said. “It was important for me to come through that with a good performance. I think I did carry on as a leader against Egypt. I think anyone who was watching the game could see that.”

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• Ferguson expected Rooney to withdraw from England friendly
• Striker doubtful for Wolves game due to swollen knee

Manchester United’s increased reliance on Wayne Rooney after Michael Owen was ruled out for the season has led to Sir Alex Ferguson clashing with the Premier League’s leading scorer. Ferguson, reeling from the news that Owen needs an operation, was incensed that Rooney defied him by not pulling out of England’s midweek defeat of Egypt and has made his feelings plain to the player, accusing him of being irresponsible and jeopardising United’s chances of silverware.

Ferguson had been led to believe Rooney would withdraw because of a knee injury that has troubled him for several weeks. Instead, the forward played 86 minutes of the 3-1 win, whereas Chelsea’s Frank Lampard was replaced at half-time. Rooney’s knee has swollen, making him doubtful for United’s game at Wolverhampton Wanderers tomorrow, and it is a measure of Ferguson’s irritation that he abandoned his usual policy of never criticising players in public.

“I was disappointed with Wayne,” Ferguson said. “He didn’t come off, I couldn’t believe it, and now he’s a doubt. We’re going to have to assess him because he played virtually the full game for England, which I am disappointed about. Playing at Wembley on that kind of pitch for almost an hour [in the Carling Cup final] on Sunday, and then almost the full 90 minutes on Wednesday, it’s far too much. Wayne is exhausted.”

A long-term critic of international friendlies, Ferguson went on to describe the pitch as “a ploughed field” and blamed the surface for Owen suffering the injury that has brought his season to a juddering halt. When Rooney reported back for training Ferguson reminded him that United should be his top priority and demanded to know why the player had not signalled to the England manager, Fabio Capello, that he wanted to be substituted.

“There were changes made and I thought Rooney would be one of them,” Ferguson said. “It’s disappointing. I don’t blame Fabio at all, but don’t forget he [Rooney] was not supposed to be playing at all. That’s what Wayne told us on Sunday because he was feeling his knee. Then all of a sudden you press get hold of him, and people put an arm round his shoulder with England, and he wants to play. He went into the game with an injury and I don’t think he should have played but his own enthusiasm has caused it. He can’t say no, that’s his problem.”

With 28 goals already, it is obvious why Ferguson is desperate to protect Rooney, particularly as Owen’s absence limits the club’s attacking options, with Federico Macheda having regressed since last season and Daniel Welbeck on loan at Preston North End. Dimitar Berbatov’s form has been erratic and Ferguson confirmed the Bulgarian may need an operation at the end of the season due to a knee problem. Mame Biram Diouf is new to English football after signing from Molde in January.

Owen damaged his hamstring in the Carling Cup final and what was thought to be a slight pull is actually a full tear, meaning the 30-year-old will undergo surgery on Monday. Ferguson described it as a “terrible blow”, one that ends any hope the former England player had of being recalled by Capello for the World Cup.

“Unfortunately the specialist says I will miss the end of the season,” Owen said. “I have loved every minute of my first campaign with Manchester United and have already enjoyed some memorable moments. I am determined to come back at the start of next season in peak condition.”

Owen’s misfortune increases the scrutiny on the Wembley pitch and Ferguson was unsparing in his criticisms. “I thought a horse show had been on it. Do you remember when Arsenal played Swindon back in the 1960s in the League Cup final? It wasn’t as bad as that [on Sunday] but it reminded me of a ploughed field. I couldn’t believe that the players had come through it. It was end to end and it does take it out of you.”

That last line was delivered, more forcibly, when he spoke to Rooney. “It’s hard to quell people with his kind of enthusiasm because it’s a restless energy,” Ferguson continued. “That’s his problem. He can’t sit down, he can’t sit still, he’s always on the move. Even in hotels I watch him and he’s moving from one table to another.When we’re away in Europe, he’s walking about, he’s always on the go all the time. He’s got a restless energy which you don’t want to take away from him, but age does some good things for you. Eventually you say to yourself, ‘I can’t be bothered with all this running about all the time’, and you take a rest.”

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The England manager is not the worrying kind when it comes to tough decisions of his final World Cup selection

Fabio Capello has never been the type to agonise. Suffering is delegated to his rivals. The 3-1 victory over Egypt showed that the manager has made nearly all his decisions. He even went to extremes by concluding, for instance, that Joe Hart should not even come on to gain a little more experience. Robert Green was in goal throughout and the England manager feels it is essential for him to appear as often as possible in internationals.

Last year the manager announced that he knew who his goalkeeper would be and was obviously referring to David James. On Wednesday he was asked if there had been a change of heart. “Maybe,” he said with a smile. His general disdain for unnecessary experimentation was underlined by a refusal to make full use of his allocation of six substitutions. He confined himself to five changes. It looks as if only routine maintenance of the squad is envisaged between now and the World Cup finals. This probably underlines his practicality. There are no searing newcomers to whom he could be drawn irresistibly.

Capello was wilfully content after beating Egypt. There was a determination to believe that John Terry had done well, if only to imply that the defender has got over the loss of the captaincy. This was an extension of the previous obstinacy when he had purported to see nothing amiss when Chelsea lost 4-2 to Manchester City. No such chastening lapses occurred at Wembley, but it would be an exaggeration to state that Terry had been his old self.

He always has been a little slow and it is a tribute to his understanding of the centre-half role that he seldom allows opponents a clear run. Egypt, however, did get chances to sprint at him. A comic incident also suggested that his concentration is still in convalescence. The first involvement by Terry was a misplaced pass to Wes Brown that went for a throw-in.

Whatever Capello really made of the Chelsea player’s showing, he has evidently come to the conclusion that everything will fall into place. The Italian is seldom tormented by doubt. There will be 30 players in an initial party that will be trimmed to 23 for the World Cup. He had two dozen on hand at Wembley and six clear candidates were absent.

Phil Jagielka, following knee surgery, has now had a couple of appearances from the bench for Everton. Capello should also be able to consider the injured Ashley Cole, Glen Johnson, Rio Ferdinand and Aaron Lennon for the finals. Aston Villa’s Gabriel Agbonlahor has the challenge of the England manager’s interest.

Once Capello does see value in a player he can be tenacious in his support. Theo Walcott has had a thin time, but the value of his speed is not overlooked, particularly when Lennon’s pelvic injury is proving slow to clear. The England manager pardoned Walcott’s mistakes. “When you don’t play a lot of games and then have the chance to start,” said Capello, “you want to do impossible things. But he is important because he is one of the fastest players on the right wing. I remember the performance of Theo before he was injured. He has time to recover [his form].”

Capello was benign towards even the malfunctioning Jermain Defoe, who squandered his first England start in 16 months. “I know they can play together,” the manager said of the striker’s pairing with Wayne Rooney, “but some things did not go the way I wanted. With Peter Crouch, we played differently and the movement of the players was more harmonic.” Capello has benefited in the past from the combination of Wayne Rooney and Emile Heskey and he is under no pressure to break up the pairing. Crouch’s impact, in which two goals took his international tally to 20, came as a substitute against Egypt.

Without naming Portsmouth, the Italian emphasised the progress that followed the transfer to Tottenham last summer. “Crouch has improved a lot,” said Capello. “English teams like Spurs do not always play long balls. A long time ago, when we started, it was always long balls for the head of Crouch. Now he always tries to play the ball. It was a maximum of one or two touches [against Egypt]. It is not easy to win the ball back from Crouch.”

The attacker took the equaliser against Egypt slickly, even if he was offside at the other goal. Between those strikes Shaun Wright-Phillips scored with an effort that ought to have been saved. England, in short, were spasmodic and the subdued contributions from Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard were unsettling. Capello badly needs to see the revitalisation of those midfielders, although it is not obvious how that is to be achieved.

The manager demanded a higher tempo for the second half, but that very British approach from the Italian may not succeed at the World Cup. There is much still to trouble Capello. Everton’s Leighton Baines was allowed the full 90 minutes and, on his debut, thereby became the default left-back. Nonetheless, England will be severely diminished if some sort of setback keeps Cole from the World Cup. In general, there is a fragility and patchiness to the resources that not even Capello can cure.

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• Team spirit not been damaged, says deposed captain
• ‘Let’s concentrate on England and the World Cup’

John Terry said England’s dressing room has not been split by the allegations over his private life that prompted Fabio Capello to strip him of the national team’s captaincy.

The Chelsea centre-half, whose reported affair with Wayne Bridge’s former partner compelled the Manchester City full-back to retire prematurely from international football, was heckled by some sections of the Wembley crowd early in the 3-1 win over Egypt on Wednesday. Yet the barracking subsided as his performance grew more assured and, while the England squad included three City players, he said the exposés about his private life over the past month had not proved divisive within the set-up. “We’ve shown that our team spirit has not been damaged,” said Terry. “We’ve shown that the players, the fans and the country are united all behind the team. The lads have said it publicly but I’ve had a lot of support from them privately as well, which has been really nice.

“We showed in our second-half performance that we’ve still got that fight and drive for each other which will never go away. The spirit amongst the lads is fantastic and we showed that by coming from a goal down against a really good side. I hope that draws a line under everything.

“I’m thankful to the crowd and showed my appreciation after the game. It means a lot the way they responded. But it’s not just about me and we need to forget about all that now. Let’s concentrate on England and the World Cup.

“We’ve seen from the Egypt game that we’ve got a really good chance. If we can keep playing like that and keep progressing then we’ve got a good chance: 18 months ago we said we needed to keep going and keep improving and we’ve done that.”

That progress had been threatened in recent weeks by the allegations that cost Terry the armband, as well as injuries to key personnel, though the squad members said attention has not been critically deflected. “We put that negativity behind us,” said Frank Lampard.

“We showed a good togetherness and spirit on the pitch. It’s only been two or three days and people are concentrating on their football. We’ve tried to block out any negative feeling.

“The fans were supportive. The players understand the booing, whatever their thoughts on different issues. But whether it’s off the pitch or on the pitch issues, it doesn’t help. We’re in the zone now where we have to concentrate on getting behind the team. We have to try to take out the negativity because that can affect people. John didn’t make a comment [about the booing] but I thought he played very well. Every player should act like they have the armband. John does that and he will continue to do that more often than not.”

The centre-half’s display was all the more impressive given recent high-profile mistakes endured in Chelsea games – at Everton, Internazionale and at home to Manchester City most notably – which had suggested his off-field concerns were undermining his form on the pitch. “Chelsea have had a couple of bad results, which sometimes means a couple of bad performances from me surprisingly, but I was pleased with my performance against Egypt,” he added. “It was important I came out and played the way I did.”

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• Italian met Russian FA last week
• Deal could more than double his net income

The Russian Football Union has made an approach to Fabio Capello about leaving England after the World Cup in South Africa and taking up a new and highly lucrative position as coach of their national team.

The new head of Russia’s Football Union, Sergei Fursenko, flew to London to pursue Capello last week. He held informal talks with the England manager at Stamford Bridge last Saturday, meeting him during Chelsea’s 4-2 home defeat to Manchester City.

According to the Sovietsky Sport newspaper, Fursenko is keen for Capello to replace Guus Hiddink, who is taking over as the national coach of Turkey. The Dutchman’s contract with Russia expires this June – with Russia now determined to find a “big name” world-class coach to replace him.

Capello is one of between five and eight candidates currently under consideration, it is understood. The England manager responded politely to the Russian approach last weekend in London, the newspaper reported, but made it clear that any negotiations would have to be carried out via his agent.

It also claimed that Russia would be able to offer Capello more than his present England salary. Although Capello is earning £6m a year from the FA, the sum is taxed at 50% – unlike in Russia where Hiddink receives €7m (£6.3m) a year tax free.

Although Capello spoke in conditional terms last week about his continued involvement with England after the World Cup, the Football Association is certain he will stay on. In recent weeks he has spoken warmly of his experience here and his spokesman said of the link with Russia: “Fabio is under contract until 2012.”

Russian observers believe that Capello is growing frustrated with the media coverage of his players’ private lives, and that his reputation as a disciplinarian is just what the Russian squad needs following damaging allegations of indiscipline during their unhappy World Cup qualifying campaign.

The RFU has several other candidates on its list, among them the Italian national coach, Marcello Lippi, and Luciano Spalletti, the former Roma coach who is now manager of Zenit St Petersburg. Hiddink’s last game as national team manager took place on Wednesday with Russia drawing 1-1 against Hungary.

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Fitness permitting, 18 places in England’s squad for South Africa are already nailed down

Kevin McCarra

It is always hard to disagree with a man in the habit of being right and, in any case, Fabio Capello’s options are so limited that there cannot be many dilemmas. Some, such as Joe Cole, will have played themselves out of contention unless there is an eye-catching return to form shortly. The most famous candidate for exclusion should be David Beckham. He was exposed when he started for Milan against Manchester United and cameos as a substitute should not suffice. Beckham did not get off the bench on Wednesday and his status is diminishing. Capello values Theo Walcott’s pace, although the winger was poor against Egypt.

Robert Green, David James, Joe Hart; Glen Johnson, Wes Brown, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Matthew Upson, Joleon Lescott, Ashley Cole, Leighton Baines; Frank Lampard, Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick, Steven Gerrard, James Milner, Aaron Lennon, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Theo Walcott; Emile Heskey, Wayne Rooney, Jermain Defoe, Peter Crouch.

Richard Williams

The biggest question mark sits against the name of Rio Ferdinand, whose absence would be sorely felt, with Phil Jagielka the most obvious replacement. The inclusion of Stephen Warnock and Stewart Downing depends on the success of Aston Villa’s league run-in; a series of good showings by Joe Cole would see the Chelsea man regaining his place at Downing’s expense. While Capello is not a man to be swayed by a single performance in a friendly match, the dynamism of Shaun Wright-Phillips against Egypt made a telling contrast with the naivety of the man he replaced, Theo Walcott. Aaron Lennon’s failure to recover from his groin problem would allow Walcott back in.

Robert Green, David James, Joe Hart; Glen Johnson, Wes Brown, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Matthew Upson, Joleon Lescott, Ashley Cole, Stephen Warnock; Frank Lampard, Gareth Barry, David Beckham, Steven Gerrard, James Milner, Aaron Lennon, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Stewart Downing; Emile Heskey, Wayne Rooney, Jermain Defoe, Peter Crouch.

Dominic Fifield

Fabio Capello is utterly reliant upon the medical staff at a group of elite Premier League clubs to return the likes of Ashley Cole, Rio Ferdinand, Glen Johnson and Aaron Lennon from injury but, providing they have proved their fitness, this squad offers balance, solidity and bite. Phil Jagielka’s versatility may give him the nod over Joleon Lescott, while James Milner can also fill in at full-back if required. Theo Walcott is included on the proviso that he plays, and excels, regularly for Arsenal in the weeks ahead but, even if Shaun Wright-Phillips might deserve better, the role he played in qualifying should not be overlooked. Capello may be tempted to include a fifth striker, particularly if Walcott fades again, most likely at the expense of either Jagielka or Wes Brown in defence.

Robert Green, David James, Joe Hart; Glen Johnson, Wes Brown, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Matthew Upson, Phil Jagielka, Ashley Cole, Leighton Baines; Frank Lampard, Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick, Steven Gerrard, James Milner, Aaron Lennon, David Beckham, Theo Walcott; Emile Heskey, Wayne Rooney, Jermain Defoe, Peter Crouch.

Players in bold included in all three squads

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Fitness permitting, 18 places are already nailed down, according to three Guardian writers

Who will Capello pick for England’s World Cup squad? Our writers try to predict who the England manager, Fabio Capello, will include in England’s 23 for South Africa this summer…

Kevin McCarra

It is always hard to disagree with a man in the habit of being right and, in any case, Fabio Capello’s options are so limited that there cannot be many dilemmas. Some, such as Joe Cole, will have played themselves out of contention unless there is an eye-catching return to form shortly. The most famous candidate for exclusion should be David Beckham. He was exposed when he started for Milan against Manchester United and cameos as a substitute should not suffice. Beckham did not get off the bench on Wednesday and his status is diminishing. Capello values Theo Walcott’s pace, although the winger was poor against Egypt.

Robert Green, David James, Joe Hart; Glen Johnson, Wes Brown, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Matthew Upson, Joleon Lescott, Ashley Cole, Leighton Baines; Frank Lampard, Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick, Steven Gerrard, James Milner, Aaron Lennon, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Theo Walcott; Emile Heskey, Wayne Rooney, Jermain Defoe, Peter Crouch.

Richard Williams

The biggest question mark sits against the name of Rio Ferdinand, whose absence would be sorely felt, with Phil Jagielka the most obvious replacement. The inclusion of Stephen Warnock and Stewart Downing depends on the success of Aston Villa’s league run-in; a series of good showings by Joe Cole would see the Chelsea man regaining his place at Downing’s expense. While Capello is not a man to be swayed by a single performance in a friendly match, the dynamism of Shaun Wright-Phillips against Egypt made a telling contrast with the naivety of the man he replaced, Theo Walcott. Aaron Lennon’s failure to recover from his groin problem would allow Walcott back in.

Robert Green, David James, Joe Hart; Glen Johnson, Wes Brown, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Matthew Upson, Joleon Lescott, Ashley Cole, Stephen Warnock; Frank Lampard, Gareth Barry, David Beckham, Steven Gerrard, James Milner, Aaron Lennon, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Stewart Downing; Emile Heskey, Wayne Rooney, Jermain Defoe, Peter Crouch.

Dominic Fifield

Fabio Capello is utterly reliant upon the medical staff at a group of elite Premier League clubs to return the likes of Ashley Cole, Rio Ferdinand, Glen Johnson and Aaron Lennon from injury but, providing they have proved their fitness, this squad offers balance, solidity and bite. Phil Jagielka’s versatility may give him the nod over Joleon Lescott, while James Milner can also fill in at full-back if required. Theo Walcott is included on the proviso that he plays, and excels, regularly for Arsenal in the weeks ahead but, even if Shaun Wright-Phillips might deserve better, the role he played in qualifying should not be overlooked. Capello may be tempted to include a fifth striker, particularly if Walcott fades again, most likely at the expense of either Jagielka or Wes Brown in defence.

Robert Green, David James, Joe Hart; Glen Johnson, Wes Brown, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Matthew Upson, Phil Jagielka, Ashley Cole, Leighton Baines; Frank Lampard, Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick, Steven Gerrard, James Milner, Aaron Lennon, David Beckham, Theo Walcott; Emile Heskey, Wayne Rooney, Jermain Defoe, Peter Crouch.

Players in bold included in all three squads

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Today’s speculation used to deal in financial risks …

Staring through the window of London’s horrible Kings Cross branch of Dixons late last night, booing happily to itself through its rubberised England’s Brave John Terry mask (sex face version), The Mill felt certain of one thing. There can be no doubt now that, as long as you squint, look away slightly, gouge one eye with a cocktail stick and medicine yourself heavily with furniture polish, that there are plenty of teams better placed than ENGLAND who ARE GOING TO find it much easier TO WIN THE WORLD CUP.

This morning the newspapers agree. “CROUCH PUTS FAB IN NILE HIGH CLUB” The Sun says, before suggesting that “diamond Giza Peter Crouch …. a Nile-lated African champions Egypt.” Crouch is described as “the towering striker”, which makes him sound simply tall and muscular and is much better than “gangling” or “beanpole” which he gets when he’s been crap.

John Terry is rated 7/10, but then so is Theo Walcott, who looked small and frightened. The Daily Mail says “England cannot afford to be without John Terry in South Africa, nor the absent bogeyman Ashley Cole”. Absent bogeymen, that’s the problem these days.

The Mirror deadpans: “Collect your World Cup tickets on the way out, Peter and Shaun. Thanks but no thanks Theo.” Wes Brown and Matthew Upson get 5/10. Barry got 7/10. The rest get 6/10 apart from the Hero of the Match Crouch, who gets 8/10. The Times awards Upson an unforgiving 4/10, warning he “did little to inspire confidence that England can cope without Rio Ferdinand”, who gets more and more reliable the more time he spends on his baggy quilted calfskin corner unit surround sofa listening to banging R ‘n’ B flavas and eating cola bottles. Jermain Defoe: “Looked threatening because his pace gives England an added dimension, but has yet to demonstrate that he can finish as well under pressure as Michael Owen”. Which sounds right.

Meanwhile back in the real world of non-inconclusive-England-friendly-related football chaff, The Mirror has Chelsea “chasing” Benfica’s Brazilian defender David Luiz, who might be available for £10m. Luiz is “one of his nation’s top prospects”. He also has tight, corkscrew-curly hair, of a type that’s often ginger. Chelsea’s wanted list also includes Atletico Madrid’s Sergio Aguero, Monaco’s midfielder Jerko Leko, Jack Rodwell, and a properly reliable builder, but not one of those new type of middle class builders who might have once been an actuary or something and who seem charming at first but who take ages to do anything, talk too much, don’t really know anything about building and get really pissy when you point any of these things out.

Sunderland’s manager Steve Bruce is “in talks” with the Paraguay midfielder and Hispanic Superman actor Cristian Riveros. Riveros plays for Mexican side Cruz Azul and will be available on a free transfer in the summer. Steven Reid, formerly the new Roy Keane, is going to join Sheffield Wednesday on loan from Blackburn. And Micah Richards has “fallen foul of a Facebook fraudster”, who set up a fake page with “shots of the Manchester City and England defender flaunting his six-pack, as a child and out clubbing”. Which is only interesting for the news that Richards had a six-pack as a child and, less so, that he flaunts it while out clubbing.

“Captions under some pictures suggest the fraudster is using the profile to get girls to send naked pictures,” The Mirror adds. “Micah has cleaned up his act and it’s wrong what this person is doing. Micah would have been really stupid to set this up himself,” chipped in his agent, causing the ancient, cobwebbed cogs in the Mill’s brain to judder and finally turn and a hazy picture of what might actually be going on here to take shape. It’s that “would have to be really stupid”.

The Mail says José Mourinho still wants to buy Steven Gerrard in the summer. “Mourinho has been monitoring Liverpool’s stuttering season and is now confident enough to tell president Massimo Moratti to make the midfielder a priority for an end-of-season spending spree.”

Real Madrid striker Gonzalo Higuain has turned down a new contract. Manchester City are “interested”, although they might just be being polite. And Arsène Wenger still wants to buy the Brazil midfielder Felipe Melo. “We are still looking at Melo,” Wenger said, speaking from inside his brushwood and leaf-draped temporary shack, lowering his night vision goggles and thoughtfully lighting another slim panatela cigar.

In The Sun Carlos Tevez is still blathering about things he has only ever had explained to him — apparently wrongly – in overly sycophantic and partial translation. “CARLOS TEVEZ last night launched an astonishing attack on John Terry and warned: “If you acted like this in Argentina you’d be dead.”

Tev reckons if someone in his homeland had an affair with a team-mate’s girlfriend, like Terry did with Wayne Bridge, they “would not survive”. Ex-girlfriend Carlos. Ex. Ex-girlfriend. Put down the butter knife.

“I don’t think you can do that with the wife of another player,” Tevez raged, pointlessly, righting imagined wrongs, slaying invisible ghosts and ignoring the nervous, throat-clearing interjections of his weak-willed and bashful translator.

Shay Given believes maddening rubber-limbed ball-hog Robinho will come back to Manchester City from Santos. “Hopefully, he’ll do well there and at the World Cup — and come back a better player,” he said, getting a kind of sinking feeling even as he said it and just sort of tailing off at the end.

The entirely credible soccer personality Sven-Goran Eriksson has denied he wants to manage the Ivory Coast at the World Cup. “No, no no, this job has nothing to do with me,” Eriksson said, accidentally brushing your thigh with his hand and just leaving it there for a moment too long.

And on Goal.com Adriano’s agent says his man is keen to join Roma, Barcelona, Real Madrid or, failing that, the back of the queue at the Clapham branch of Chicken Cottage, where they also do small, greasy samosas and horribly grey-looking ribs that seem to have been pre-mauled by a feral dog.

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